to the person(s) who shit in my closet..
to the person(s) who shit in my closet on friday, july 1, 2005:
you sneak-shitter, you. dookey salter. feces pranker.
fine, fine. i had the party, so i guess to you it means i am responsible for everything that happened here that night. ridiculous. most people take hospitality in the spirit in which is extended: as a gift. i gave you a nice party and you shit all over it. for real.
i just want you to know that i had already removed the proof-of- purchase from the tivo box you shit in. i was keeping the box for my convenience when moving next month. there are other boxes i can use, dung hider. you're not going to keep me from moving, if that's your game.
your plan worked, devil crapper. i don't know how you did your work in a full house during a raging after hours, but you shit fast and you stashed well. for two days i could not identify the source of the odor. i concocted wild fantasies about badgers coming through holes in the ceiling to shit in hidden corners. i feared for the life of unlucky rodents. i prayed a lot. but when i finally decided to take the dresser out of the closet, take all the boxes stacked behind it out and examine the contents of each, i finally found your calling card, scat monkey. at first, i felt relief to finally know at last what that fucking smell was. but now i am pissed. a little trick is an easy hit, but a closet crap is crushing.
was it an emergency and you couldn't get to the toilet in time? it seems unlikely. Some kind of turd stork or shit fairy that visits in the night? are you holding some grudge against me, poop absconder? well, you got me good. there's no denying. but when i find out who you are, no tivo box will be able to hold all the shit that is going to rain down on you, my friend. i don't know what kind of sick fuck you are, but i hope you have a turd-proof umbrella.
posted by chauncey swan @ Friday, July 08, 2005
5 Comments:
Scat Monkey - I love it. I am deeply disturbed by your story, however, C. Swan, and I hope that someday, like Deep Throat, the Shifty Crapper will reveal him/herself.
i guess in the interest of objectivity, i should add that first-person narrators are unreliable. perhaps, a la mcgrath's spyder or steven king's secret window, it may be i, chauncey swan, who is your shifty crapper.
Is that where that crap ended up?
I had a dream two nights ago that I was a sort of gumshoe and was on the case of the turd in the TiVo box. I broke the case wide open when I discovered that a certain person had clogged up not one, but TWO toilets in whatever building I was in, and this provided all of the evidence I needed that this young lady was indeed the culprit.
chauncey, that is the best IC party story ever. The best comedy usually comes from unspeakable misery.
Where is Encyclopedia Brown when you need him? He'd have the case solved in 10 pages or less.
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