Need help ordering coffee
The rivers in Seattle run with espresso, and I'm tired of the sardonic smirk the caffeine engineers give me when I order coffee. It causes this quote to scrawl across my cerebellum: "I belong in Idle Valley like a pearl onion on a banana split"--Raymond Chandler's The Long Goodbye (reading him finally). So I need good stuff, something to the effect of a "tall skinny triple lindy double shot riesling, light on the olives". But obviously I don't know the jargon to pull this off. Can anyone help with a delish caffeinated beverage that requires many syllables to order? It's important since I do a lot of my job-searching at free wifi coffee joints, and Seattle-ites are pretentious about nothing (as far as I can tell), except their caffeinated beverages and their outdoor sporting skills--the other day, I hiked up Mt. Pilchuk (elevation really high) and reached the summit feeling like Mike Tyson, drenched with sweat, then looked over and saw three women--apparently crossbred with mountain goats--on some rocks breastfeeding their babies. Okay, that doesn't make the women pretentious, but they're probably messing up their babies' minds anyway. After breastfeeding on a pristine mountain top, the rest of life's got to suck. Climbing a mountain isn't good enough. These women have to carry something delicate and precious too. Okay, that is pretentious. And any baby with a mother like that, who risks the baby's life climbing a mountain and then teases the baby with the greatest life experience it will ever have at two months old...enough said.I want to get on my tippy toes and look down upon the caffeine engineer as I beautifully articulate my order and a cannot-compute glaze crosses his face and I say, "Do you need me to repeat myself?" Please help.
posted by Anonymous @ Wednesday, August 10, 2005
3 Comments:
as a friend, let me be the first to say, screw those coffee nerds.
now as a former coffee nerd (my specialty was rolling my eyes at upper west side career moms and giving away free refills to transients), let me be the first to say, it's like a record store. the teenager behind the counter is always going to think he's better than you. who you really want to impress are the other patrons, especially the single ladies. stay away form the fruity stuff. nothing with whipped cream or colorful streamers of caramel. ix-nay on flavored syrups. no one wants a man who drinks butterscotch-valencia-raspberry frappaccino.
try something classic and masculine: black coffee, one tall americano, a depth charge. choose something bitter and hard to swallow.
Now, now, it doesn't need to taste so dark and desperate... I think a man can reasonably order a latte or a beverage with steamed milk, or even a hot chocolate, but I agree that you should stay away from the whipped cream. You can always furtively dump a lot of sugar in whatever you order. Just make sure no one sees you with the Splenda...
If truly clueless, bypass the issue and get juice :)
Use Italian terms to maximize both pretentiousness and confusion.
Order your espresso doppio (a double shot), sip (or better yet, just sniff) it, scowl, and lay into the barista for giving you an espresso lungo (espresso made with twice the amount of water, so it looks like a double, but isn't as strong).
You can have a froufrou caramel drink and preserve your dignity. Demand espresso corretto (corrected) with your choice of flavored syrup. If you really want your whipped cream, ask for your beverage con panna.
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